Well, another regular season has come and gone in the National Fry League. This season has brought us tons of memorable moments and heartbreaking finishes.
Let’s review each franchise and how they’ve done so far this season in what is the last power ranking post of the regular season!
Week 13 Ranking: F—ing Pathetic.
Dead last in the league for a fifth straight season, In-n-Out fries are last in virtually every statistical category as well: texture, taste, crunchiness, flavor, etc.
Obviously, GM Lynsi Snyder is on the hot seat yet again as she’ll need to work some magic at the trade deadline to find a new seasoning and a more commonly spelled first name.
The holes in the roster are numerous, but perhaps the most glaring thing is the fact that you’re expected to get them animal style or “well done” off a secret menu in order for them to be edible.
If it’s a known fact that there is a secret menu, then it’s not very secret now, is it? Also, “well done” fries? What? Are they undercooked normally? Why don’t you just make them good in the first place?
Week 13 Ranking: Poop.
Braum’s has been slowly declining for over a decade, yet it’s still hard to believe how far this once proud franchise has fallen.
The fries are limp and flavorless, much like their advertising which hasn’t been updated since 1994. Drew Braum is in real danger of losing his job this season if he isn’t able to right the ship.
Among the problems with taste, another deadly flaw is the minuscule amount you’re given. When I go to a fast-food restaurant that also serves ice cream, I already threw ideas about health out the window. Give me a pallet full so I can go ahead and get hypertension already.
Week 13 Ranking: Weiners.
Wendy’s has been able to stay relevant in recent seasons due largely to their frozen chocolate water known as a “Frosty” and because they, a fast-food restaurant, serve baked potatoes and the public just kind of accepts it at this point for some reason.
The fries have been a thorn in the side of this franchise for a while. Efforts to diversify the roster by switching to “natural cut” and “sea salt” only managed to move the franchise laterally at best.
The fries are mostly limp and lack needed texture and crunchiness that the league is quickly switching to more and more every passing season. The days where fries post up in the paint is over. Wendy’s needs to recognize that or else they’ll tread water forever.
Week 13 Ranking: Nope.
Sonic has moved up this week due to the strong showing of their minor-league prospect, Tater Tots, which they received in a trade with White Castle in 2015. Tater Tots has an average CRISP of 13 per/100, which would place him in the top 5 in the league. White Castle GMs Harold and Kumar are undoubtedly kicking themselves for that one-sided transaction, trading Tots for Hollywood irrelevancy.
The question remains, however, if the recently collapse of their “Two Guys” ad campaign. After a breakout season in 2004, the Two Guys campaign has floundered in recent years, becoming less funny and even succumbing to commercials that feature medium-level relevant NBA player, Zach Lavine.
Long John Silver’s —
Week 13 Ranking: Meh.
Long John Silver’s isn’t a place you would think of at first when the words “french fries” are mentioned. It also isn’t a place you would think of when the words “logarithmic smack papa” are mentioned, either. And for good reason.
I honestly forget Long John Silver’s even has fries. I usually just indigestion and instant diarrhea whenever I think about their deep-fried, oily fish patties.
They’ve meandered in the league for the entirety of their existence, the only notable part of their history being their playoffs series against Captain D’s in the mid 80s. (their hushpuppies are okay too, but they’re not fries)
Not good, not bad. Just kinda “meh.” The Minnesota Vikings of french fries.
THE PLAYOFF CONTENDERS
Week 13 Ranking: *encouraging nod*
Chick-fil-A has had a surge of success in recent years. Back-to-back appearances in the Eastern Conference Finals on top of great sales. Their young reliever, Chicken Sandwich, has all the makings of a future hall-of-famer.
Dan and “Bubba” Cathy have done a great job accelerating the success of the franchise. (probably mostly dan, “Bubba” kinda seems like the Jeb Bush in this situation. Dan of course being George if George was actually good at his job)
The gay marriage controversy threatened to derail the momentum a few years ago, but Chick-fil-A weathered the storm once it realized people had no problem forsaking their prior beliefs for delicious food.
Chick-fil-A touts peanut oil as a great reason why there’s so much success in the french fry clubhouse. I have no idea if it’s true, but peanut oil sounds fancy, so I’m willing to believe it. The only potential hole in the roster is the fact that Chick-fil-A’s drive-thru lines are longer than Elle Fanning’s neck.
Also, Chick-fil-A is weirdly protective of their of titular “Chick-fil-A Sauce”, only handing out one packet at a time unless expressly stated. I know these are mass produced in a factory somewhere, guys. It’s okay, you can give me more.
Week 13 Ranking: *even more encouraging nod*
Okay, I can’t even be facetious here. Arby’s has what might be the most annoying commercial campaign for a fast food joint I’ve ever seen. I hate it. In fact, I hate it so much it makes me want to punch small children in the throat.
You know what I don’t hate, though? Their fries. They’re good.
Arby’s is notable for having two different kind of fries. Like any sane person, (if you ignore the sentence about punching small children) I get their curly fries. They’re seasoned well and have a great amount of crunch.
Their Arby’s Sauce is criminally underrated, too. (Yes, I know it’s basically just barbecue sauce, but why don’t you get off my effing back, Karen?) It’s been robbed of a starting spot in the Eastern Conference All-Star game for three consecutive years, but will hopefully get its chance this year.
And uh…yeah. That’s about it. I don’t really care about anything else they have. They apparently serve gyros now for some reason. Yaaaaaay?
Week 13 Ranking: Hall of Fame Worthy
The Yankees of fast food.
For this section, I’m going to just post Gaffigan’s bit about McDonald’s from his comedy special “Mr. Universe.”
Jim Gaffigan also has a great bit about Hot Pockets that lasts about 45 minutes too long. Just kidding, I love Jim Gaffigan. I’m just jealous that he’s cornered the market on the whole “fat-white-guy-that-loves-food” schtick. That’s my thing and it’s the only interesting thing about my personality. It’s gone now…
I kinda forgot that I was doing a sort of sports thing for this blog post, so the next paragraph is going to take care of that:
“The McDonald’s GM, who I assume is either some hive mind or a robot of some sort, has done a great job of keeping it’s fries as the workhorse that will consistently play well in the regular season.”
There. We’re back on track. Sports!
Week 13 Ranking: Manna From Heaven
A bit of a curveball here, but Del Taco has great crinkle cut fries. Everything Braum’s gets wrong about crinkle cut, Del Taco gets right in my opinion.
People have told me Del Taco and Shake Shack are basically identical in taste/consistency, so Shake Shack could hypothetically take the number two spot as well. However, I’ve never had Shake Shack before and I don’t want to take a mortgage out on my house to pay for it either.
Del Taco’s entré items are decent enough, but their fries are the real star here. Drafted in 2007, Crinkle Cut has been a terror for opposing defensive during his entire tenure in the league.
Also, it helps that you can make an impromptu California Burrito by combining some fries with a burrito. You know, to help you gain weight as fast as humanly possible.
An another note, all the Del Tacos I’ve been to in California seemed like awesome places to get stabbed and/or buy drugs. So that’s a plus.
Five Guys —
Week 13 Ranking: I Want You to Have My Babies
Maybe a controversial pick, but Five Guys’ fries takes the top spot in the post season power rankings.
It has its fair share of criticisms. People have called Five Guys’ fries greasy, sloppy, and limp. Which is exactly how I would describe my disgusting physique, so it’s fine in my book.
Five Guys has no shame in the fact that its fries are greasy and unhealthy. But, that’s the reason why I’m going to Five Guys in the first place! I want to be unhealthy!
The fries are about as natural as you can get from a fast food place and the fact that you get about 3 tons in a bag is what helps put them over the top.
Five Guys is also notable for having large pallets of peanuts just kinda of laying around near the front counter. You can get containers full and just throw the shells on the ground like some sort of animal.
On a related note, I like to get a lot of peanuts at Five Guys and have the employees lay out newspapers at my feet and pretend I’m a cockatoo. Then, I go around screaming at other customers and bite at their fingers. On another related note, I’ve been banned from every Five Guys restaurant I’ve even been to.
Disagree with my list or have any suggestions? Write me hateful comments below!
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