21 Reasons Why I’m Better Than You


Photo Cred: Matt Woods

1. I rode the Silver Bullet at Big Splash Water Park when I was 11 and wasn’t even that scared.silver bullet

I didn’t even cry when I got water up my nose.

2. I made a quesadilla once and it was pretty tasty. black bean quesadilla

It looked kinda like this.

3. I went on a mission trip once. sleepy

I hi-fived an orphan kid.

4. I read a lot of Hank the Cowdog books when I was little. hank

I probably read this one.

5. I’ve been to Universal Studios like 5 times. univ

I like going there.

6. I haven’t drowned yet. swimming

I can swim.

7. I’m not allergic to penicillin. penicillin

It doesn’t bother me at all.

8. I’ve kept a purple secretia plant alive for like 6 years now. IMG_5517

Here it is.

9. I saw Drew Carey in person once. Drew-Carey

It was in New York City.

10. One time I carried two McDonald’s cheeseburgers in my pockets for 8 hours and ate them when I got home. mcds-cheeseburger

I was wearing jeans.

11. I got 3rd place at the Mr. Mustang Pageant in High School.

mister mustang

It was cool.

12. I put Cholula Hot Sauce on my pizza.

hot sauce

It tastes good.

13. I know all the lyrics to “Can We Talk” by Tevin Campbell.


All of them.

14. I can make fart noises by blowing into my knuckles. 


It’s pretty funny.

15. I take really big poops.

Screen Shot 2015-07-27 at 10.13.14 PM

Think this is a joke?

16. I’ve played a game of baseball before.


This isn’t me.

17. I have veiny hands.


See what I mean?

18. I’ve been on a date with a girl.


It didn’t lead to anything but it went pretty well.

19. I have a poodle named Gracie. 


She’s old.

20. I got called a “dumb mother-[expletive]” when I worked as a production assistant one time and it didn’t hurt my feelings that much.


It was pretty hilarious in retrospect.

21. I choked on bacon fat three consecutive days in a row once and it didn’t stop me from eating it all the time.


It tastes too good to stop.

I’m pretty amazing but we can still be friends, I guess.

You’re welcome.

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